Welsh sheep farmer contracts E collie

6 June, 2011 (10:52) | All articles | By: Stuart Fraser

I was in a car park in town last week, change-less.

Until recently in South East Cornwall you could pay 20p for your first hour of parking, a policy the old Caradon District Council introduced to encourage people to shop in town centres rather than worship at the court of the Great Satan, out-of-town supermarkets.

Cornwall Council has not shared this view. As part of its mission to create economies for the taxpayer through the establishment of a more efficient single local authority, it has whacked the charges up to 40p for the first hour. Car parks in town centres are noticeably emptier. Genius.

But back to the point: there I was, change-less, as has become more frequent now I need more coins to pay for parking. I set off to pointlessly swap a £10 note for a 20p copy of the newspaper I. This is the key reason for its success, as far as I can see – to provide car-parkers with something cheap to buy in order to get change.

Anyway, I noticed a lady loading up her shopping in the car next to mine. “Oh,” I said, “are you going? I don’t mean to be rude but could I have your parking ticket if you’re going? It would save me going to get change…”

She looked anxiously around her. “Well,” she said, uncertainly, “I would, but it is against the law, you know…”

Startled, I said “What?”

“Yes, look, the tickets are strictly non-transferable… I wouldn’t want to get into trouble…” She eyed my scruffy shorts and beaten-up filthy old 4×4, and then said, as if speaking to somebody playing guitar in a subway, “let me give you 40p.”

“It’s OK,” I said, heading off to buy I and reflecting that times have changed.

Swapping car parking tickets used to be one of those little acts of defiance through which we could defeat the forces of evil massed against the impoverished taxpayer. But I notice people doing it less and less.

And in the car parks of Derriford Hospital, for example, you have to key in the digits in your registration number as a means of preventing ticket-swapping, which, bearing in mind the location of the car park, is one of the most civically mean-spirited policies I have ever come across.

I mused on: when we first moved here, deep in the lanes, I used to keep my ears open come hedge-cutting time. Whoever was doing one of the neighbouring farms would happily accept my proffered £10 and tidy up my lane-side hedges for me. Latterly it became £20, of course. This year, I asked the driver as usual. He looked shiftily around him and said “I’d better not, I’m not sure I’m supposed to take cash for other jobs – and would the insurance cover me?”

I never thought I’d live to see the day a Cornishman turned down cash, but there you are.

It’s long been said that the English are not inclined to protest. Maybe the little changes that set me a-musing are part of a national psyche that says “very nice, thank you” when asked by restaurateurs whether our badger-snot soup is OK. Or, stepping up a gear, that accepts swingeing cuts that decimate a damaged economy and wreck livelihoods.

Are we becoming more timid? Less helpful to our fellow man? More willing to defer to authority? Are hard times making us draw in on ourselves?

And finally… For www.newsbiscuit.com , the satirical news site, I set to thinking up new mutations of the E coli virus.

  • Ghee coli – can provoke an insatiable desire for Indian food.
  • E collie – victims run around with their tongues hanging out, chasing sheep. This mutation is particularly common in rural areas of Wales.
  • Glee coli – affects television viewers, leading to high saccharine levels and intense feelings of nausea.
  • Brie coli – makes sufferers smell like old cheese. Prevalent in middle-class households.
  • Me coli – rife among egomaniacs, who find it impossible to stop talking about themselves. Stephen Fry is among the sufferers.
  • ZZ coli – people infected grow very long beards. Has come as a severe blow to Pippa Middleton.
  • E Cauli – prevalent among farmers who grow vegetables, this strain of the virus can make sufferers very angry and extremely miserable. It is already thought to be very widespread in the agricultural industry.

Any more?

Comments

Comment from Numbers4me
Time June 7, 2011 at 4:19 pm

I have travelled fairly extensively in France, Spain, Portugal, Germany, Benelux and Italy over the past 13 years in campervans but can recall only having had to pay to park once (other than on camp sites). It was an underground car park in the centre of Verona, Northern Italy – the parking attendant said I should leave the keys in the ignition – I must have given him a strange look for he replied to my unasked question “There is no Mafia here”. So, in my albeit limited experience, it’s kind of like (!) even the Mafia do not get involved in charging for car parking!

Comment from Stuart
Time June 13, 2011 at 10:21 am

Thanks – love the link between Mafia and car park charges. Now check your pillow before bedtime…

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