FraserWords

As you all know, I believe in the concept of public service. Here, then, is this week’s public service to you, my brothers and sisters. Use it well :

Dear Person Who Is Trying To Get Me To Pay For Something,

You will note that I owe you a considerable amount of money (insert sum here:__________ ).

I am not entitled to this money. You are entitled to this money. I will not, however, be paying this money to you.

You will of course wish to take action about this, but to save you time and effort can I please now issue my formal apology for not giving you this money.

Clears throat.

“I am very sorry for not giving you this money”.

There.

It being the case that I have now issued a grudging apology, you may now issue me with a bill for a small percentage of the amount of money I owe you. Don’t bother to work it out – I enclose a cheque for exactly 10% of my total bill in full and final settlement of this affair, from which we can now all move on.

Should you wish to discuss any aspect of this case, please feel free to contact: Maria Miller MP, House of Commons, London SW1A 1AA.

Yours sincerely,

Etc, etc.

No need to thank me. I’d charge you, but all I’d get would be an apology.

Don’t go

Of course, everywhere is alive with the sound of baying journalists and politicians calling for Maria Miller’s resignation, as if that would somehow make it all better. She’ll have fallen on her sword (I believe Cabinet ministers can claim their swords on expenses) by the time you read this, of course.

Just about the only thing you can say for forcing the women’s resignation is that it might lead to us finding if any other Cabinet ministers are dipping their fingers in the tax pot to fund a mortgage.

But I loathe the short-sightedness of this sort of lynch mob mentality. Does anybody seriously think that one Maria Miller fewer would make the Cabinet any more palatable, any more trustworthy, any more committed to fairness and decency?

What we need is Maria Miller in post, permanently, possibly even promoted, right up until the next election when she will be an extremely potent weapon for all those of us who hate the greedy, selfish little Englander peevishness of Tory party policy.

The sort of greed exemplified by David Cameron when he told an audience about tax cuts: “After all, it’s your money”.

It doesn’t seem to have occurred to him to think about the phrases “after all, it was our money, Maria”; nor “after all, it’s your money but you, like everybody else according to his or her ability, are bloody well going to share some of it so that everybody in this country including you has access to decent services, such as a non-privatised health service, a free education service and properly nationalised utilities.”

Anyway, join my campaign to Save Maria Miller. Each look at her selfish sneering face on the news is worth a thousand anti-Tory votes come election time.

(Not that any of the alternatives on the ballot paper will be worth a hill of beans, of course, but at least they won’t be Tories – using the taxpayer to buy houses, while imposing a bedroom tax on the poorest of the poor).

Rural skills corner

As you know, I am fond of rural tradition, and so I would like to point any of you interested in the preservation of the ancient art of peacock fettling in the direction of Brother Bertie, who will put you on to the Peacock Fettler of Old Linkinhorne Town, Bertie Minor Major. No peacocks were harmed in the writing of this paragraph. Thank you.