I’d like to thank…

27 February, 2012 (15:34) | All articles | By: Stuart Fraser

I do try to be even tempered, really I do, but goodness me, don’t the Oscars try the patience? Very rich and very vacuous people allowed, no, encouraged to think the wide world gives a flying fart for them and their crass utterances as they saunter up and down the red carpet in their designer rags while cravens and sycophants coo in their immaculately groomed ears. Ye gods.

I suppose any industry is perfectly entitled to have awards ceremonies, and I know the idea of movie glamour is as old as the Hollywood hills, but isn’t it all a bit sick-making these days? The self-congratulation, the opulence, the flaunting of the craft of a thousand plastic surgeons, the massaging of the egos of frockmakers, the fawning, the endless fawning.

I don’t have a great deal of time for Ricky Gervais but at least when he presented the Golden Globes he pricked a few egos with his abuse. And thank the fates for Sacha Baron Cohen and his continued assault on the cretinosity of American public life.

I think a first step is banning coverage of the Oscars. Let these people have their awards ceremony, do, but please let’s make it an offence to broadcast news of the event. It’s just a start, but it’s a good one.

I was wrong

When, a couple of weeks ago, I said six million households were in fuel poverty (spending more than 10% of income to maintain adequate warmth) some of you snorted audibly in contempt.

You were right to. It’s not six million households. It’s 6.4 and rising, according to energy efficiency firm Camco, and rising to an estimated 9.1 million by 2016.

Go on, snort again. And then sign the petition at energybillrevolution.org, launched today, calling for an annual £4billion carbon tax to be introduced, the money to be recycled to households to improve energy efficiency.

I know, I know. Vested interests – energy efficiency campaigners only want to make money. Well, some 50 charities, unions, consumer groups and businesses are backing the campaign, so those of you still snorting will just have to do as David Cameron did on the NHS – totally ignore everybody who disagrees with you.

Pensioner’s Tourette’s

It was remiss of me not to extend our congratulations to the Sister Sues last week, after they got hitched. It was the Sisters who brought Pensioner’s Tourette’s to the attention of medical science, the disease that afflicts the elderly with an inability to observe the usual social niceties in speech.

In fact, the Sisters had an update following a recent holiday with a sufferer from the condition. Here are a couple of gems:

  • On discussing whether or not to go into a particular clothes shop: “I wouldn’t bother – they won’t have anything in your size….”
  • Loudly, on a young girl sitting on her own: “Why’s she on her own? She’s not that ugly…”

Do join in. Meanwhile, congratulations, Sues.

Noooooo!

For the first time in a few months, the crazed dog and I walked across a footpath down the hill from me last week.

We hadn’t been that way because foresters have been at work in the woods, cutting down larch to halt the spread of sudden oak death. Well, the woods are a First World War landscape now, a sad, stark wasteland. Cross everything for the restorative power of nature, because it’s sorely needed.

Anyway, back we came, deep in thought. For, as I say, the first time in a few months, we approached the property our nearest neighbour is renovating. Lost in a reverie, I didn’t notice the dog had disappeared, but that cheery little ditty from the Warner brothers cartoons sounded loud across the grass to alert me, followed by an impassioned cry of “Nooooooo!”

For the first time in a few months, my neighbour had set to, to do some work. He had chosen to lay the concrete for a big new outbuilding, and had just stepped back to admire the completed work when…. You know the rest. Daa-da-da da-da-da-da-da, da-da da daa da daaa-aaah. That’s all folks.

 

Comments

Comment from Hamster
Time February 29, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I have an example of OAP Tourette’s but instead of speech, it is a motor tic that has happened to me, an unbelievable three times. It occurs in supermarkets, just as I have started to put the first 3 or 4 items of my trolley on to the checkout, then to seize the moment an old biddy sprints like Usain Bolt from the end of a aisle and without saying a word mind you and blanking me like as if I’m not there, puts their basket of 6 or so items on the checkout. On every occasion I have been left speechless and if they had just said “do you mind if I nip in front…” of course I would have no problem with letting them go first, after all Countdown is on in ten minutes and you never know when its going to be your last show. After this has happened all I ever think is, imagine if the roles had been reversed. I think something would be said along the lines of “huh….the younger generation, no respect” followed swiftly by another volley of words………Pensioner’s Tourette’s style!

Comment from Hamster
Time February 29, 2012 at 3:09 pm

This weeks Hamster Top Tip – Be careful in the countryside and on farms, proceed with caution and always but always look before you leap, as you can find yourself in the sh1t.
How deep? Just ask brother Bassett.
But seriously farms and the countryside can be dangerous, have fun but take care when you roam.

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