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SORRY I’m a bit late. Been delayed a lot today.

First of all I wanted to read all the tributes to the brilliant skills and towering intellect of the now-resigned Tory co-chairman Grant Shapps. That took about 0.2 seconds this morning.

Seriously. Have you ever come across such a deafening silence? Has there ever been a politician so utterly devoid of talent in the entire history of British politics? Not only could nobody find a decent word to say about the hopeless little cast-off from the PR industry – and how much more damning than that can there be on a man’s CV, apart from ‘being Iain Duncan Smith’ – but also, nobody could even be bothered to stick the knife between his wheedling, whining shoulder-blades once the weasel-faced little twat had handed in his ticket.

So, as I say, that held me up. Then, I wanted to read in detail all the reasons David Cameron has for us bombing Syria.

‘We’re bombing Iraq anyway, it’s the right thing to do, America wants us to do as we’re told. Again. And poking this particular wasps’ nest with a stick will make all the wasps go away. Er… that’s it.’

So that was another 30 seconds up the spout.

It took a little longer to reflect on the appalling behaviour of Jeremy Corbyn, who’s holding true to a lifetime’s pacifist conscience and, moreover, suggesting MPs should make their minds up individually after consulting their constituents. Imagine. The evil bastard even e-mailed me to ask what I thought. It’s almost as if he wants to find an answer to the problem that doesn’t involve scattering more blood and entrails across the desolation of the Middle East.

But what really set me back was this: having watched the reports of protests by millions across the globe, having listened to the cream of the world’s scientific minds, having reflected on the fact that 183 countries consider the climate important enough to hold a big conference about, I thought I’d better examine the other side of the argument.

Well, that took ages.

You won’t believe the amount of voices out there saying things like: ‘Now then, you don’t need to worry about the climate, it’s all happened before and it’s not heating up because oooh, isn’t it chilly this week, and ice melts all the time and the earth’s gone through all this before and our exploding population and massive industrialisation has done no harm at all, really… now just chuck another lump of coal on the fire and fill up your tank and thanks for your lovely money….’

I paraphrase.

But on one side: a world that wants cleaner air, preserved trees, less ugly concrete, more sustainable practices that don’t make the surroundings ugly; a world that uses things with a thought for where they come from and the effects they have on others. On the other, capitalists who want us to keep using resources because that’s how they keep making money.

There is no good on the side of those who deny changes to our climate pose a danger to animals, the planet, and least importantly, humans, no good at all.

Even if – and it’s the biggest fucking ‘if’  you’ll ever hear – even if they were right and there’s no such thing as man-made climate change, they’d still be wrong because the things they stand for – limitless consumption, burning, chopping, choking, blowing up mountains to tear resource from the ground, profit above the ability of inhabitants of cities to actually fucking breathe – all those things are wrong. It’s the limit-less control-less unfettered free-market exploitative capitalism that’s made the world what it is: even if it isn’t choking on its climate’s vomit, it’s a venal place of mass inequality where the tiny minority enjoy the vast majority of private wealth, almost all of it made on the proceeds of burning our natural resources. It’s wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrongity wrong.

I don’t give a rat’s wank whether there have been ice ages before whether the temperature’s rising or falling whether ice caps are melting whether polar bears are freezing their buns off whether scientists are lying because they’re part of some massive global conspiracy to kid us all into being kinder to each other and the world, the bastards, I don’t care. Don’t anybody – yes, Brother, you – don’t anybody tell me we should trust the sort of politicians and businessmen who tell us not to worry about climate change. What is it the capitalists say? Follow the money. One side’s got lots and wants to keep it and make more; the other side isn’t arguing about money.

There is absolutely no way the Paris climate conference will make an iota of difference to a world run by multi-national corporations who can pay people to look the other way while rainforests burn – and I don’t care if the burning doesn’t emit harmful gasses as the apologists say, I don’t like seeing rainforests burn and people displaced and animals toasted, alright? – because everybody is slave to their greed and damned to imitate it. But that doesn’t stop me, as ever, wanting to be on the right side of the argument – the side that says it’s better to try to find ways of running our oh-so-essential PlayStations and TVs that don’t involve setting off bombs under our feet in order to extract gas, or risking nuclear holocaust.

Our world is better when it’s greener, less greedy, less corrupt and puts the environment we all share above money.

When I’d done all that, I found I’d got all cross again so I had to go and walk the dog until I calmed down, which took quite a while.